just one thing

I share the belief of many of my contemporaries that the spiritual crisis
pervading all spheres of Western industrial society can be remedied only by a
change in our world view. We shall have to shift from the materialistic,
dualistic belief that people and their environment are separate, toward a new
consciousness of an all-encompassing reality, which embraces the experiencing
ego, a reality in which people feel their oneness with animate nature and all
of creation.
-A. Hofmann, Foreword, LSD-My Problem Child

the conflict

earthwork tomorrow: YES!!!! reading: no.
in order for me to be able to show up to see said earthwork,
i'll have to have read to avoid lookin' like a fool...
fuck. all i wanna do is smoke a joint, listen to some radio and pass out after working three weekend days
but no... (only one quarter left, i'll keep telling myself).

oh, speaking of which..... updates!
spring break=fantastic.

day 1, evening really... drive to portland, pass out on anna's couch (halfway through rachel getting married)
day 2, drive to the redwoods. giant, breathtaking, wild trees. (mark at the cafe said wild trees are trees unclimbed)
camp under not-a-redwood-tree-but-a-giant-tree-none-the-less. try to start a fire: fail (damp wood)
day 3, get into trouble with forest ranger for a) gathering wood and b) not registering at the campsite
drive along the 101 (which inevitable reminds me of the phantom planet song)
stop in eureka (a quaint and peaceful town with an excellent bagel shop)
arrive at the city by the bay. dose. blast off to outer space (or at least to the beach, where there are roaring bonfires)
meet a lovely named erika, a couple of her friends and a couple of their kids. we discuss what element we would be.
i said earth for sure. we agree to take her with us to santa cruz in a couple of days................................

a grand holiday

i will be having but one guinness tonight.
just one. thanks, finals, for keeping my alcoholism in check.
fuck you, finals, for isolating me to this couch for a full twenty hours to write a research paper
that will inevitably suck because i have no idea what i'm doing.

i can't wait for break. exactly 47 hours from now i will be in a car on my way to the bay. hail yes.
but, ahem, back to the work at hand... just had to get the obligatory procrasinatory (is that a word?) blog post out of the way.

happy st. patrick's day, interwebs.

laughing aloud in the reading room

according to my thesaurus widget, 'poop' is an informal synonym for 'information.'
who woulda guessed?

if only i could actually use that in my paper

whooo!

been a while. just had to post this little musing in relation to my recent thoughts on art history:

"...whether one gilds boot heels or carves Madonnas: the shooting goes on, profiteering goes on, hunger goes on, lying goes on; why all that art?" -Grosz

perhaps this is taken out of context, but it is a nice reflection of my love-hate relationship with my chosen area of study

and another(s)...

perhaps it's because my first two acid trips took place in his presence, but this man i love
and have loved and want to share
even though nobody really reads this blog. oh well
also this:



mmm. like french vanilla ice cream. or ecstacy. whichever

a current obsession of mine

along with the rest of the album
i know i'm late on the bandwagon but better late than never, right?
they're sooo fucking goooooood

who doesn't like talking about themselves?

the facebook twenty-five things. as a matter of vanity i completed it, but as a matter of principle i refuse to actually post this on facebook. now i feel that i must post it somewhere in a public domain. shit, i'm so lame.

voila!

1. i have a juicy blog. hahaha. only one other person has the link
2. andrew bird on noggin is my desktop at the moment. dreamy
3. when i find clothes i like, i don't buy them straight away. i give it a week or so and if it's still on my mind then i'll get it (this doesn't apply to the fur coat purchase, of course... )
4. my siblings and i all have four names
5. a cup of hot tea and a cold beer (?)
6. my first memories consist of me crying because my mom wasn't holding me
7. i don't like different foods to touch each other on my plate. but i've gotten much better about it
8. i can't walk by dick's without at least getting fries. ew
9. i'd recommend traveling to mexico over europe any day
10. i saw coolio as the angel of carnevale in venice (he was lowered from the bell tower to a stage while gangster's paradise played in the background) i think this was the most random thing in recent memory. i have no idea why they would ask coolio--of all people-- to be the angel of carnevale
11. i don't reciprocate questions often enough... i just forget. then i feel rude once i remember
12. i hate showering
13. i've recently re-discovered.... the library. i'm constantly borrowing now. it took me long enough
14. i've never broken a bone or received a speeding ticket
15. what i do with my free time is usually not legal
16. as much as i've tried to retire my pink converse, they continue to be an integral part of my wardrobe
17. the reggae reggae reggae always puts me in a good mood
18. i was a fat baby
19. i was pigeon toed so i had to wear leg braces (i don't know if this is actually true or someone just told me that one time and i believed them)
20. theory of art history is the most intimidating subject i've endeavored to study thus far
21. i've just begun a letter correspondence with someone. hand-writing a thoughtful, heartfelt letter is kind of draining but definitely satisfying
22. my norwegian heritage is, i think, a pretty sweet claim to fame. i love scandinavia
23. i value subtlety highly but beating around the bush frustrates me. it's problematic
24. 'let's get it on' (when marvin gaye sings it) is certainly the sexiest song i've heard
25. laying around in bed with someone really awesome is one of my favorite ways to spend a day

tee hee

a video my friend made, starring yours truly.
it makes me laugh most of the time

that was pretty cool

it's a good feeling, moving on. i mean, i've moved on mentally... but it's taken me a little while to muster the courage to actually, physically, move on (if you know what i am getting at....). but i did it (no pun intended). and it was nice to have a completely honest understanding about what was going on.
fine, fine, i'll tell the story.
so there was a dude that i met in florence but hadn't seen in a year. we were two out of the five smokers out of 100 something students so naturally we became friends. he's cool. he's nothing like me. but we got along because, like i said, he's just.... cool (i.e. he smokes a lot of dope.. ha, just kidding, kinda). i had a boyfriend at the time but despite that, he and i always had some kind of weird... thing. i mean, not really, but, eh it's hard to explain. i guess it's just that we smoked cigarettes together? hahahah. lame. anyway, so i went to visit my friends from study abroad (which includes him). we didn't have to do too much analysis about what was going on between us because we genuinely care for each other but both know that nothing serious is going to come of what happened--our understanding was totally in balance and that's something really good to have in these situations.. or any situation for that matter.
i just hope he didn't think i was a conceited bitch when i said i didn't care about the super bowl. but seriously, who really cares about the super bowl?
(the answer to that question depresses me thoroughly... but, i suppose at least people care about SOMEthing, right?)

joints and fat free milk

wishing it were chocolate milk... but not craving cigarettes

dilacion

i'm not convinced that's the proper spanish translation of procrastination, but that does not take away from the fact that IT'S GRIPPING ME.... it won't let go.... i definitely shouldn't have sent that email to my professor telling her to expect more effort from me in the weeks to come. it was a total and complete lie. i've already skipped the class once. i want nothing more (at this moment, and at multiple other moments related to that class) than to drop out of school and read books and write letters and work at the coffee shop and do nothing.

(but i won't do that, of course...)

it would just be so much easier if i was taking this class from her husband.. the hottie art history profesor, instead of her, the uptight one. i don't really want to impress her. hahaha

in the last nine hours since i came home from work i have: eaten quiche, kasse spaezle, a salad, the last of my phish food, and a pbj, surfed the 'net, had five cups of tea, iChatted, emailed, researched paintings, decided which ones i will write about, and written one paragraph of the paper i have due tomorrow.

it's going to be a long night.

re-discovery

my sundays, mondays and tuesdays all suck. make that half of each of saturday and wednesday, too.
wednesday night, thursday and friday, and saturday morning are all wunderbar, though

a boyfriend who i had in high school was an exchange student from slovakia.
his mom still sends over this green tea (zeleny caj) in the mail because apparently she thought
that we really liked it when she made it for us for breakfast when we were visiting

i have boxes and boxes in my tea cupboard and i never drink it. so i decided to give it another go.
i can't believe i've just been letting it sit in the cupboard! i can't believe i'd forgotten!
the secret ingredient?

banana. yes, that's right... it's banana orange pineapple green tea. hyum. a tropical delight
then i was reminded that they also put corn kernels on their pizza over there. also unexpectedly good.
ah, eastern (oops, i mean central) europe

ps. i've decided if i ever have the opportunity to name a human being (these things remain to be seen)
these are the names i'd choose from (subject to change at any time): baladine, ladislao, lark

bangs

R weird. i haven't had to actually 'do' my hair for about two years so this is interesting. i was saying that to alex the other day, and she reminded me that i'd been telling her that i should start doing my hair. and now i am, so what's the big deal? touche m'dear.
it's just weird because haircuts are so psychological and symbolic. i always think of felicity in the tv show, when she goes of to college and chops off her beautiful curly locks. a haircut is not always just a haircut.
what we do with our hair is representative of personality type and the goings on in our brain and changes in our lives and the importance we give to outside appearances, something that i am trying to emphasize less.. so why did i do it?
i suppose i'm trying to move on from things in the past and onto something new, in education, in love, in life, in general.
blahhhhhhh
well at least i like it.

it's snowing. again. looks delightful outside my window. i need a nap then it's paper-writing time.

that mug was not microwave safe

......oops. so yeah, this is pretty disgusting looking. but seeing the healing progress my second-degree burn has made over the last two weeks is just mind blowing. woke up this morning and it's practically vanished. the human body ROCKS

oh, yes. exactly what i wanted!

a dear pen pal
what could be better?

we were learning about the woman behind the painting "the dancer," by eugene spiro. the label reads:

'The present painting depicts Spiro’s sister Elisabeth Dorothea Spiro known as Baladine Klossowska (1886-1969), mother of the artist Balthus and the writer Pierre Klossowski. In 1921 Baladine (also known by the pseudonym Merline) became the lover of the German poet Rainer Maria Rilke with whom she conducted a passionate correspondence until his death in 1926.'

so. awesome. i, for one, would love to conduct a passionate correspondence with a lover i met once for the rest of my life. it's so unbelievably romantic it hurts.

(maybe this is it? probably not, but it seems to be working out that way....
i'm giddy)

nice job, amurrca

we now have ourselves a president
(i laughed out loud when he stumbled on his words during the inauguration...
but why did the man feed him so much to remember?! i probably would have done the same)
there should always be more poetry.
and joseph lowery is a badass.

22 for a day

socrates said that the unexamined life is not worth living, right? now that i've one more year i suppose it is time to reflect.

last night my roommate and i were talking about writing during our intensely (and surprisingly) pleasurable mushroom trip. she studies journalism and is in love with hunter s. thompson. during the trip she had the great idea (on the walk back to our friend's apartment) to ride the elevator to the top of our freshman dorm room and look at the view of seattle. awkwardness ensued. right before we got to the top floor luke says 'what if there's like, a floor meeting going on or something?' sure enough, there were not only tens of young college students gathered on floor 12 but they were all participating in what looked like a family board game night or something. why they spent their free sunday night (monday (today) is MLK day) in their dorm playing board games and not drinking til dawn was beyond us (especially due to the fact that we were tripping balls). but maybe we were the lame ones... 22 year olds who still do drugs on the weekends and find it enjoyable (even if quite uncomfortable) to put our our psychedelic selves on display. at any rate, i was convinced anne (roommate) was subjecting us to her crazy brand of journalism-- haven't asked yet if she's written anything about the trip, though. it was quite the improvement on the last experience i had with mushrooms. instead of munching fresh ones in amsterdam and proceeding to feel very uncomfortable, a bit depressed, and getting quite lost without our map, the trip last night was the cream of the crop.

i passed out for an hour or two during my own birthday party, was woken up by friend john who was poking me with a cane. i figured since it was my birthday i might as well go out and enjoy it, so i went upstairs to get all dressed and ready. when i came back down, anne presented me with a handful of dry, chewy, disgusting, amazing shrooms. i wasn't expecting to trip at all and even said so in my kitchen before leaving the house. thirty minutes later i was being chuckled at by the server at cha cha lounge as i laid back in my swivel chair and was overcome by the music and decor of the bar. though i was pretty apprehensive when i first came up, i quickly relaxed, leaned back and went where the drugs took me (which is why i ended up sprawled out with a huge grin on my face, getting laughed at by passers-by (i can't hide it at all when i'm having too much drug-fun)). since we were no longer wanting anything to do with alcohol (or anything else except staring and laughing at things), the bar was no longer an option. we began the trek to our friends apartment (insert above dormitory incident here). we made it back to the apt., where five of our other friends just happened to be tripping, too (on ecstacy and acid). what a perfect collision. i can't tell you how many tears i cried from laughing throughout the night. everything was just so great, so funny, i felt so at home and comfortable laid out on the floor feeling extremely and sublimely high in both brain and body. a few hours later, the come-down hit hard with a headache and the realization that it was ending. that was sad, obviously. but i am so grateful for a birthday well-spent with good friends and the fact that mushrooms are no longer on my shit list.

back to the first point i was trying to make (but got distracted)... about writing. i have felt compelled to do it lately. just in the last few weeks, i've wanted to write everything down. i'm discovering how hard it is, though, to capture all of my thoughts (or any of them for that matter). i start on one thing, pause, and my mind just goes haywire in all directions. it's not impossible to put these things into words; other writers have done it before. it's just that i'm hardly starting out. in one of her journalism classes, anne said they talked about writing and why people do it. obviously there are many reasons and perhaps multiple ones for each person. i'm trying to figure out what exactly it is that is making me want to write. i think it has something to do with someone i met a couple weeks ago. although i'd thought to write things down at many instances before, i didn't ever start jotting ideas in a journal or this here blog until just after he left my life. so that's one of the reasons-- trying to get over a relationship that didn't even have a chance to start. but before that... what made me want to write?
--does it mean that i think what i have to say is valuable enough for other people to want to read it and appreciate it?
--is it just because i want some written accounts to look back on later, either to laugh at or to gain some insight into whatever progress i may have made?
--or is it simply that i have too many thoughts cluttering up my brain and i just need some release (so, not necessarily having to do with my writings being read, whether by me or others, at all)?

it probably has something to do with all of these things. i will keep thinking about it...

in other news,
i really loved breakfast on pluto... not only am i in love with cillian murphy even more but it made me smile even at the most dire or depressing moments because of its hilarious and random eccentricities. reminded me a lot of running with scissors, but in the UK... so the accents rock. after the mushroom-comedown tv-movie marathon this morning, freaks and geeks could now easily be called my favorite show though i've only seen about half of the episodes. since graduating, i've never felt the slightest urge to want to go back to high school, but it does make me feel just a bit nostalgic. i plan on watching the rest of the episodes soon, with frequent repetitions to follow (i have become a strong believer that the only way to watch tv is on dvd).

i suppose this didn't exactly end up being a life examination but it's all the time i have for now. haha. perhaps some other day i will want to think about accomplishments done and to come and all that. now it's upstairs to read and take notes for art history, then wake for geology at 7 in the morning.

ciao tutti

about that..

contrary to what the title may (or, then again.. probably won't) lead you to believe, i am, in fact, not a cokane addict. i don't even know how to spell it. i just really like the dillinger song..
the first (only) time i did it, i had a grand time drawing funny faces in a notebook and telling my roommate how much i loved her ("but, seriously dude, you are like, my best friend, ever. i'm glad we decided to do this... i'm having so much fun sitting around a coffee table doing line after line off of a plastic-framed full-length mirror that belongs in jj's bedroom"). and then i proceeded to come down, and stay uncomfortably awake all night instead of sleep. that was that. not very exciting.

why am i writing about this?

wednesday breaks

how was i supposed to know that Winckelmann's fault was his attempt to define a classic timeless beauty using standards set by a civilization that only existed at one point in history? professor? good thing you told me, i never would have figured that out on my own. oh, i love school. fluff.

also: why can't Kant just make sense the first time you read him?

i love the classes that you clearly get something from... you experience so strongly that sensation of an expansion of knowledge and consciousness--thinking of something or learning it for the first time, or perceiving something known in a totally different or abstract way. this is what historiography will do. fucking get all meta on yo ass and shit.

mm.. speaking of shit, i've got a lot to do.

love(blegh)

2)

and another thought (not about love): i derive a lot of joy from extremely simple and mostly unexpected things. for example, what made me happiest the other day:

my roommate ellen and i were walking to our morning class and on the way we run into alex and heidi (friends who live a street away) who are also walking to class. i shrieked, smiled, trotted over to join them and enjoyed the walk, all four of us together.

after class, vietnamese food with alex. i got a fortune (are vietnamese restaurants even supposed to have fortune cookies? must research) stating i'd 'be successful in [my] next endeavor.' fuck yeah! i aced that 50-page reading and comprehensive, typed, printed summary in 2.5 hours, then went to my next class. yahoooooooo

1)

okay..... is it reeeeeeeeeeally possible i am still thinking about this dude?
love is such a fucking trippy/tricky/nauseating/silly/best thing.

doin' it.

and it begins...........


is all blog creation the result of procrastination?
probably not.
but i've got this pretty thick book in front of me...


page 63. aesthetics.

GO.